To Be: A Mother Who Comforts

I may get a lot of hype and hate for this, but I've recently been growing a backbone and learning to stand up for what I know is right, even though some people take offense to it.

I recently read this article:

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/what-manner-of-men-and-women-ought-ye-to-be

 And loved it so much, I had to share.  I'm starting my "To Be" list right now--the name of this post is not the first one on my list, but perhaps the most relevant at the moment, since I've recently seen a LOT of people asking advice on the subject (not me in particular, just whoever has advice to give, and, unfortunately, most of your friends on facebook are not experts, even though they feel like they are).  First, I'd say listen to real professionals.  And then, here's my input:

I know there's a huge debate on what parents should do when their babies cry--let them cry it out because they need to learn to comfort themselves and function on their own, or comfort them every time, or comfort them almost every time, and let them cry sometimes.

I considered how I cry sometimes... and why I cry.  There are many different reason why I cry, it doesn't even always mean something's wrong (like when I read a sad book).  But I'm much more complex than a baby.  Why do babies cry? Fear, hunger, pain or discomfort... they obviously don't cry when they feel safe or happy.
When I cry for any of those reasons (except hunger... I just get food when I'm hungry), I generally seek comfort.  From my husband, when he's available, but a lot of the time, I feel kind of alone and that no one can help or understand me except God.  One thing I know for a surety, is that when I seek comfort from God, He never, ever leaves me on my own.  Every single time I ask for His comfort, He gives it.  It doesn't always stop me from crying--sometimes the pain is still there--but it certainly does comfort me.

When I was about four or five, I had a really bad dream, one night.  And I wet the bed.  I started crying. I remember exactly what was going through my mind.  I was crying because I wanted my mom to come upstairs and help me.  I cried louder, because I really wanted her to come.  And she did.
She came upstairs in the middle of the night, gave me clean blankets and clothes, and put me back to bed.  Could I have done that by myself at that age?  Probably (whether or not I would have, or would have done it properly, is another question).
I don't know what would have changed had she not come--or if anything would have changed at all.  But I do remember that once I heard her footsteps on the stairs, an immeasurable rush of relief flowed through me.  I knew it was going to be okay.

So here's something to think about: If you say you let your baby cry it out because she needs to learn to go to sleep on her own, is it because you genuinely care about her ability to sleep on her own... or because you really want your sleep to go un-interrupted at night?  Are you justifying it by saying it's for her own good, when really it's for yours?
Many parents feel the need to make their tiny, new human beings adjust to adult schedules--when they're still just babies.
Oh, and if you're of the opinion that comforting your child every time he cries is going to spoil him... think about the logic of that for a minute.  Just think about it.  Showing your baby that you love him by holding him... is going to turn him into an entitled, selfish boy when he's older...
False.

Parenthood requires sacrifice, good parents learn to be stronger and more selfless than they've ever had to be before.  Children are sometimes needy, clingy, whiny, and they can be more irritating than anything else you've experienced.  But someday, if you do it right (and there definitely is a wrong way to raise children), you'll realize it was all worth it.  Hopefully, you won't have to wait until they're grown up to realize it--hopefully, you notice it's worth it when your child gives her favorite stuffed animal to another child who's feeling sad, or maybe when he offers to help take care of his younger brother when you have a lot on your plate.

I'm not saying children will only learn to be selfless if you comfort them when they cry--but I am saying they learn from their parents and other such examples.  The more selfless you are, the better an example your kids have to learn from.

Now, what I'm saying is not just my opinion--it's actually based on research.  I did a search on the web about this subject and found a disturbing number of sources advocating the cry-it-out method.  None of those sources were backed by research--they were all based on popular opinion.

There's a reason the sound of a baby crying stimulates strong feelings of discomfort in adults--we're supposed to do something about it (and telling yourself to ignore it, is not doing something about it).
Here's what some findings, published by researchers in peer-reviewed journals, say, if you're interested in checking it out:
http://www.sciencedirect.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/science/article/pii/S0891524507002544

http://web.ebscohost.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=c2f2d579-e9da-495b-9f83-83786fbe93b0%40sessionmgr115&vid=3&hid=112

http://www.sciencedirect.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/science/article/pii/S0163638398900170

I definitely have more, and hopefully these links work, but I accessed them through a university, so let me know if they don't.

Anyway, even without the research, we have the capacity to distinguish between what's right and what's not right--if you have to justify to your self or others why you leave your baby on her own to cry when she clearly wants you to comfort her, or if you need other people to tell you that it's okay and that it's healthy (which, by the way, it most certainly is not), then maybe you should think a little harder about it.  Or turn to a more reliable source of information.  Many mothers out there feel they are a reliable source of information because they have experience... sadly, experience is not the best teacher.  Too many experienced parents make the same mistakes for 40 years.
God blessed me with a mother who comforted me when I cried--even when the reason I was crying was stupid--to me it mattered.  And I remember her comforting me.  I felt loved and valued.

The only way I can possibly show my gratitude, is to pay it forward.  To be for my children, what my mother was for me: always there, even though it's extremely inconvenient sometimes--a mother who comforts.