It's cold and windy, and I'm feeling grumpy today. So, I've turned on my favorite-smelling wax and prescribed myself a nap.
That was all I got written down before I actually fell asleep. Now it's 2:00 A.M. and I'm wide awake-- but no longer grumpy... that's what I get for napping after 4:00 in the... evening? Afternoon? 4:00 is an odd one. Because 3:00 is definitely afternoon. And 5:00 is pretty solid for evening. I'll call it evennoon. No. Afterning. Four O'clock in the afterning. heheh. Reminds me of a song I heard called 9:00 in the afternoon. I was singing it one day when I realized... there is no 9:00 in the afternoon... mysterious.
Okay. Anyway, Anton has been a little on edge the past couple weeks. He's gone into "hate Russians" mode. There is a special place in the heart of every resident of any former Soviet Union state that is dedicated to hating all things Russia (except Russians, of course--they love themselves enough for everyone). He's getting better, though. I think he's either letting it go, or finding someone else to rant to. Probably finding someone else to rant to.
I switched topics with the after school kids and am now doing food... but not advertising it because then every single child in the whole school will come to my class, and that would be a nightmare for me to plan for. So, we do mostly food crafty things and include a little dance so that we don't have to change the name. But I am trying to think of activity plans that include kids doing something with food. So far we're making peach pie pops, banana snowmen (because it snowed today, blast this weather!), and edible paint, which we will use to paint food.
I need to come up with the grand finale lesson in three weeks--we're supposed to go out with a bang! So any suggestions are appreciated.
Speaking of food, I asked Kyle for some recipes of things he's been learning to cook in Arizona. He gave me some good feedback, but I can't make most of it because it includes barbecue sauce, which my husband doesn't like. You know, he complains about me not cooking (and I admit I don't really cook that much anymore) but I tried when we first got married. He just didn't like any of the things I was used to making. He won't eat anything barbecue-esque, he hates the way I cook potatoes (or any kind of breakfast food), he won't eat my goulash (something I could live off of for days), he dislikes anything whole-wheaty, and he doesn't even eat my potato salad (Mom's potato salad). I'm not saying I'm blameless, because clearly there are other things I could learn to make, but cooking is more stressful for me than I thought it would be (with such a picky, demanding husband, anyway...maybe if he suffered through my child's-size serving of burnt vegetables, it wouldn't be so bad).
P.S. I am proud to announce that I made a very delicious chicken gravy from one of my recipe books! Just the gravy, though... One step at a time, I guess.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
The Thing About Marbles
I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. I'm having trouble communicating (worse than usual)--I keep forgetting words when I'm talking. Simple words that people use every day. Worse, is that I forget the most important word in my sentence. The one that makes the main point.
Some examples of words I had to have help remembering this week: storage closet, bells, fire, pudding, syllabus, computer, trash can, and some that I still can't remember.
It's not just words, though. I've been forgetting a lot of things. Like my name--I keep thinking it's Ringen, still. And how to drive... I slow down on green and seem to not notice red.
I feel like life isn't even real right now. Everything going on around me seems so strange. And fleeting.
Pretty sure this is a sign of dehydration. I'll be drinking more water, lest I cause a car accident or forget something important. Like how to breathe.
Anton does side jobs for a couple who owns a few housing units here. They asked him to serve a subpoena to some guy who won't pay rent and is avoiding them (a third party has to serve the subpoena, anyway). He's a pretty evasive old guy.
On the bright side of life... we got a washer and dryer finally (to replace our old broken ones). Sadly, they are not small enough for our old house so... we took the door off the bathroom... but I'd rather have a washer and dryer than a door on the bathroom in my house where I'm usually alone.
I had consigned to hang up a curtain or something, but Anton screwed the door back on so that it opens up outwardly instead of inwardly, and doesn't deal with the machinery in it's path. Mr. Handy Man.
And nothing has made me happier than the weather lightening up. Sunshine just gives me a buzz. A good buzz. :-)
Also, we now have a camera, so I will add some pictures.
Traveling to Idaho Falls to hit up Olive Garden
Trying on hats in the mall.
Some examples of words I had to have help remembering this week: storage closet, bells, fire, pudding, syllabus, computer, trash can, and some that I still can't remember.
It's not just words, though. I've been forgetting a lot of things. Like my name--I keep thinking it's Ringen, still. And how to drive... I slow down on green and seem to not notice red.
I feel like life isn't even real right now. Everything going on around me seems so strange. And fleeting.
Pretty sure this is a sign of dehydration. I'll be drinking more water, lest I cause a car accident or forget something important. Like how to breathe.
Anton does side jobs for a couple who owns a few housing units here. They asked him to serve a subpoena to some guy who won't pay rent and is avoiding them (a third party has to serve the subpoena, anyway). He's a pretty evasive old guy.
On the bright side of life... we got a washer and dryer finally (to replace our old broken ones). Sadly, they are not small enough for our old house so... we took the door off the bathroom... but I'd rather have a washer and dryer than a door on the bathroom in my house where I'm usually alone.
I had consigned to hang up a curtain or something, but Anton screwed the door back on so that it opens up outwardly instead of inwardly, and doesn't deal with the machinery in it's path. Mr. Handy Man.
And nothing has made me happier than the weather lightening up. Sunshine just gives me a buzz. A good buzz. :-)
Also, we now have a camera, so I will add some pictures.
Traveling to Idaho Falls to hit up Olive Garden
We're setting Jana up with the guy in the blue... but she's gone on a few dates with a different Ukrainian, so maybe we were too slow in actually making it happen. We'll see.
I know, I look like I just went to the dentist.
Trying on hats in the mall.
Anton started taking pictures as soon as he opened the package with the camera. I was filing my nails.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Little Rant + Current Activities
I know I don't have children yet (which I am constantly reminded of by other people who imply or straight up tell me my opinion is not credible because of my current childless state), but I know children. I spend a heck-of-a-lot of time around them and, more importantly, I was one. The older we get, the more we tend to forget about our childhood, but I remember mine like it was yesterday... probably because it pretty much was yesterday.
In addition to that, I was born with everything I need to be a mother. I have been cultivating those God-given gifts for a very long time (although, just because every woman can, doesn't mean every woman does). There seems to be some outrageous belief that real motherhood and all it's glory and instincts suddenly hit you--BAM--when you have a baby. And then you know everything and your opinion is more valid. If that were true, then there would be a much smaller percentage of mothers who feel inadequate, clueless, or nervous. Also, there wouldn't be as many not-so-good mothers. I know that sounds mean, but some mothers really aren't good mothers (that doesn't mean we should go around judging women who are doing their best, though--be nice to mothers who are trying to help their children the best way they know how).
Basically, I'm saying be reasonable--stop basing the validity of someone's opinion on whether or not they have children (or how many children they have) because not every person with kids knows what he or she is talking about, and not every person who doesn't (or doesn't yet) have kids is totally clueless.
There. My little rant is over.
Other than that... our lives are just as ordinary and boring as usual: school is pretty easy this semester (like it should be because I was supposed to graduate last semester, so I'm just taking a bunch of filler classes for fun);
I woke up sick on my anniversary and am still sick, which caused us to miss the married student retreat we bought tickets for a while ago;
somehow our bedroom suddenly became the coldest room in the house, so Anton and I have been camping out in the living room;
Anton got a little raise (yet we still barely have enough to cover all of our bills... strange how that works);
I'm excited for spring so I can get my baby duck;
we found a Ukrainian guy with whom we will be setting Jana up on a date (he just entered the country last month. He's cool);
I'm also excited to be getting back to sewing now that I got a sewing machine for Christmas (already made two skirts and have started a blanket);
I'm teaching cultural dances in the after school program--we just finished African dance, and next week we're doing American Indian crafts and dance;
and I've convinced Anton to look for an internship in someplace like Arizona because I freakin' hate the cold.
That about sums it up. :-)
In addition to that, I was born with everything I need to be a mother. I have been cultivating those God-given gifts for a very long time (although, just because every woman can, doesn't mean every woman does). There seems to be some outrageous belief that real motherhood and all it's glory and instincts suddenly hit you--BAM--when you have a baby. And then you know everything and your opinion is more valid. If that were true, then there would be a much smaller percentage of mothers who feel inadequate, clueless, or nervous. Also, there wouldn't be as many not-so-good mothers. I know that sounds mean, but some mothers really aren't good mothers (that doesn't mean we should go around judging women who are doing their best, though--be nice to mothers who are trying to help their children the best way they know how).
Basically, I'm saying be reasonable--stop basing the validity of someone's opinion on whether or not they have children (or how many children they have) because not every person with kids knows what he or she is talking about, and not every person who doesn't (or doesn't yet) have kids is totally clueless.
There. My little rant is over.
Other than that... our lives are just as ordinary and boring as usual: school is pretty easy this semester (like it should be because I was supposed to graduate last semester, so I'm just taking a bunch of filler classes for fun);
I woke up sick on my anniversary and am still sick, which caused us to miss the married student retreat we bought tickets for a while ago;
somehow our bedroom suddenly became the coldest room in the house, so Anton and I have been camping out in the living room;
Anton got a little raise (yet we still barely have enough to cover all of our bills... strange how that works);
I'm excited for spring so I can get my baby duck;
we found a Ukrainian guy with whom we will be setting Jana up on a date (he just entered the country last month. He's cool);
I'm also excited to be getting back to sewing now that I got a sewing machine for Christmas (already made two skirts and have started a blanket);
I'm teaching cultural dances in the after school program--we just finished African dance, and next week we're doing American Indian crafts and dance;
and I've convinced Anton to look for an internship in someplace like Arizona because I freakin' hate the cold.
That about sums it up. :-)
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Get to Know Yourself... and Your Kids
So, I went ice skating the other week in North Dakota. It was super fun and I loved it! I'm still recovering from the bruises and I definitely have scars just above my ankles where my skin was rubbed raw. But, I still loved it. My baby brother, Logan, who allegedly had never skated before, seemed to have no trouble right from the start--I never saw him fall once. My little sister, Jana, was scared pretty much the whole time, but did improve... of course it could have been the Venezuelan boy's hand she was holding and not her own skill... :-)
Anyway, the more risks I took, the more I fell, but the more fun I had as well. I was considering why I fell so much and why I never seemed to improve. My senses are out of whack.
See, most people think there are only five senses, but really there are seven:
1. The tactile or somatosensory system-- sense of touch
2. The visual system--sense of sight
3. The auditory system--sense of hearing
4. The gustatory system--sense of taste
5. The olfactory system--sense of smell
6. The vestibular system--sense of balance
7. The proprioception system--sense of body position
Well, all senses are not equally developed (which is one of the issues in public schools--every child is assumed to have reached equal developmental capacities, when really they haven't, and expressing as much is treated as "misbehavior").
In paying more attention to my body, I have discovered that I have overdeveloped olfactory, auditory, and somatosensory systems and underdeveloped visual and proprioceptive systems. The other two I'm not sure about--they could be normal. It explains all the accidents, my poor and underdeveloped sense of body position. I am capable of tripping over thin air, probably because I'm constantly underestimating where my feet are. The proprioceptive system is responsible for physical responses: initiation, construction, creating muscle "memory," controlling intensity, timing and sequencing, motor planing, etc.
Anton is often frustrated by how many things I've dropped, broken, and otherwise clumsily destroyed. He won't let me take his computer anywhere (with good reason--I dropped mine a few days after getting it new). And he doesn't buy me drinks unless they have a lid that can screw on.
When it comes to eye-sight, mine is not the worst, but I often don't concentrate on what I see.
I'm easily agitated by unnecessarily repetitive and particularly loud noises. When confronted with such, I tend to plug my ears, withdraw, or start rocking myself side to side or back and forth.
When I smell something unpleasant, or even something pleasant for long enough that it becomes unpleasant, I feel despondent and have difficulty concentrating on anything other than that smell.
I think I'm the most sensitive and empathetic person I know. Easily provoked to tears, and constantly thinking about how other people feel, and when others are less considerate, it's somewhat frustrating.
This is just one way of getting to know myself, but it's had a significant impact. Many of my behaviors and mannerisms circle back to how I respond to certain stimuli (obviously there's also an emotional component-- which is why I included one of mine--as well as many others, but this would be way too long if I included everything).
Getting to understand myself has been a long and arduous experience, and I'm sure I still have much to learn, but it's helped me control my actions and responses more appropriately (like trying to be less conspicuous about rocking back and forth in a class, since I sit in the front, usually). It's also helped me understand others a little better. I wish more people understood this, especially concerning children, because young kids don't always know what or why they are feeling or reacting certain ways. As adults, we should, but we don't always take the time to figure it out.
Of course, I'm not saying that all "misbehavior" is linked to under or over-developed senses--it's just something to be aware of. I have many of the same symptoms as a high-functioning person with autism... but I don't have autism. In working at a habilitative center for children who have disabilities, I've seen children who legitimately have disabilities and benefit greatly from habilitative services... and I've seen children who could benefit even more greatly from parents who just get to know them better and stop trying to force them into conforming to specific personalities.
Anyway, the more risks I took, the more I fell, but the more fun I had as well. I was considering why I fell so much and why I never seemed to improve. My senses are out of whack.
See, most people think there are only five senses, but really there are seven:
1. The tactile or somatosensory system-- sense of touch
2. The visual system--sense of sight
3. The auditory system--sense of hearing
4. The gustatory system--sense of taste
5. The olfactory system--sense of smell
6. The vestibular system--sense of balance
7. The proprioception system--sense of body position
Well, all senses are not equally developed (which is one of the issues in public schools--every child is assumed to have reached equal developmental capacities, when really they haven't, and expressing as much is treated as "misbehavior").
In paying more attention to my body, I have discovered that I have overdeveloped olfactory, auditory, and somatosensory systems and underdeveloped visual and proprioceptive systems. The other two I'm not sure about--they could be normal. It explains all the accidents, my poor and underdeveloped sense of body position. I am capable of tripping over thin air, probably because I'm constantly underestimating where my feet are. The proprioceptive system is responsible for physical responses: initiation, construction, creating muscle "memory," controlling intensity, timing and sequencing, motor planing, etc.
Anton is often frustrated by how many things I've dropped, broken, and otherwise clumsily destroyed. He won't let me take his computer anywhere (with good reason--I dropped mine a few days after getting it new). And he doesn't buy me drinks unless they have a lid that can screw on.
When it comes to eye-sight, mine is not the worst, but I often don't concentrate on what I see.
I'm easily agitated by unnecessarily repetitive and particularly loud noises. When confronted with such, I tend to plug my ears, withdraw, or start rocking myself side to side or back and forth.
When I smell something unpleasant, or even something pleasant for long enough that it becomes unpleasant, I feel despondent and have difficulty concentrating on anything other than that smell.
I think I'm the most sensitive and empathetic person I know. Easily provoked to tears, and constantly thinking about how other people feel, and when others are less considerate, it's somewhat frustrating.
This is just one way of getting to know myself, but it's had a significant impact. Many of my behaviors and mannerisms circle back to how I respond to certain stimuli (obviously there's also an emotional component-- which is why I included one of mine--as well as many others, but this would be way too long if I included everything).
Getting to understand myself has been a long and arduous experience, and I'm sure I still have much to learn, but it's helped me control my actions and responses more appropriately (like trying to be less conspicuous about rocking back and forth in a class, since I sit in the front, usually). It's also helped me understand others a little better. I wish more people understood this, especially concerning children, because young kids don't always know what or why they are feeling or reacting certain ways. As adults, we should, but we don't always take the time to figure it out.
Of course, I'm not saying that all "misbehavior" is linked to under or over-developed senses--it's just something to be aware of. I have many of the same symptoms as a high-functioning person with autism... but I don't have autism. In working at a habilitative center for children who have disabilities, I've seen children who legitimately have disabilities and benefit greatly from habilitative services... and I've seen children who could benefit even more greatly from parents who just get to know them better and stop trying to force them into conforming to specific personalities.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Family Update :-)
I just joined a book club! It feels so housewife-esque. :-) Now I need to find really good books to read. I've been reading children's books and young adult books, because of a couple literature classes I took--we discussed the impact reading has on children (really positive one, in case you're wondering, particularly when fathers read to their children) and my teacher advised us that we should read books our kids might read so that we can make recommendations for our kids and know what they're reading, what's good, what's not good, and all that jazz.
So, I'm looking for books. To build up my library, too. I'm pretty sure my book collection is the most cumbersome thing for us every time we move. And I love it!
Christmas has been fun, and I am definitely looking forward to the new year. We have lots of goals and plans for 2014!
We just got back from North Dakota. I guess Minot turned out to be better than I expected-- I really like the mall there. Other than the horribly despicable weather, it's not such a bad place. When we heard the temperature was supposed to drop to -60, we fled the State like a baby rabbit from a hungry wolf. It doesn't seem so cold in Rexburg anymore.
Got A's in all but one of my classes last time around. That lifted my spirits.
I guess the most eventful thing in our lives right now is Anton preparing for court. On our way home, we got pulled over by a cop... who called for another cop for backup.
We were headed west during a sunset, so the sun was directly in our eyes. Anyway, no one noticed the change of speed from 70 to 55 (or the change of State from Montana to Wyoming). Except a lady cop who was patrolling anything near Yellowstone. Well, she was going the opposite direction as us, and then suddenly turned on her lights, and pulled over... stopped. There were a lot of cars around and she wasn't behind Anton, so he didn't think anything of it.
11 miles later, another cop going the opposite direction flashes his lights (even though Anton was going the speed limit by that time because it went back up), but this one gets behind Anton, so he pulls over.
We sat there and waited, and waited, and waited, until the first cop finally came mosying up.
Apparently she had been chasing Anton... but no one saw or heard anything... the whole time.
She was extremely rude and very angry at having been "ignored." She gave Anton a ticket with no written amount to pay (probably to be determined), but a mandatory court date. She said he could explain to the judge "why it took 20 miles and two cops" for him to stop. It was only 11 miles. And it took that long because she's stupid and doesn't know how to signal someone to pull over.
I'm not really worried. The whole thing was just a big misunderstanding... and an idiot lady cop.
So, I'm looking for books. To build up my library, too. I'm pretty sure my book collection is the most cumbersome thing for us every time we move. And I love it!
Christmas has been fun, and I am definitely looking forward to the new year. We have lots of goals and plans for 2014!
We just got back from North Dakota. I guess Minot turned out to be better than I expected-- I really like the mall there. Other than the horribly despicable weather, it's not such a bad place. When we heard the temperature was supposed to drop to -60, we fled the State like a baby rabbit from a hungry wolf. It doesn't seem so cold in Rexburg anymore.
Got A's in all but one of my classes last time around. That lifted my spirits.
I guess the most eventful thing in our lives right now is Anton preparing for court. On our way home, we got pulled over by a cop... who called for another cop for backup.
We were headed west during a sunset, so the sun was directly in our eyes. Anyway, no one noticed the change of speed from 70 to 55 (or the change of State from Montana to Wyoming). Except a lady cop who was patrolling anything near Yellowstone. Well, she was going the opposite direction as us, and then suddenly turned on her lights, and pulled over... stopped. There were a lot of cars around and she wasn't behind Anton, so he didn't think anything of it.
11 miles later, another cop going the opposite direction flashes his lights (even though Anton was going the speed limit by that time because it went back up), but this one gets behind Anton, so he pulls over.
We sat there and waited, and waited, and waited, until the first cop finally came mosying up.
Apparently she had been chasing Anton... but no one saw or heard anything... the whole time.
She was extremely rude and very angry at having been "ignored." She gave Anton a ticket with no written amount to pay (probably to be determined), but a mandatory court date. She said he could explain to the judge "why it took 20 miles and two cops" for him to stop. It was only 11 miles. And it took that long because she's stupid and doesn't know how to signal someone to pull over.
I'm not really worried. The whole thing was just a big misunderstanding... and an idiot lady cop.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
To Be: A Mother Who Comforts
I may get a lot of hype and hate for this, but I've recently been growing a backbone and learning to stand up for what I know is right, even though some people take offense to it.
I recently read this article:
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/what-manner-of-men-and-women-ought-ye-to-be
And loved it so much, I had to share. I'm starting my "To Be" list right now--the name of this post is not the first one on my list, but perhaps the most relevant at the moment, since I've recently seen a LOT of people asking advice on the subject (not me in particular, just whoever has advice to give, and, unfortunately, most of your friends on facebook are not experts, even though they feel like they are). First, I'd say listen to real professionals. And then, here's my input:
I know there's a huge debate on what parents should do when their babies cry--let them cry it out because they need to learn to comfort themselves and function on their own, or comfort them every time, or comfort them almost every time, and let them cry sometimes.
I considered how I cry sometimes... and why I cry. There are many different reason why I cry, it doesn't even always mean something's wrong (like when I read a sad book). But I'm much more complex than a baby. Why do babies cry? Fear, hunger, pain or discomfort... they obviously don't cry when they feel safe or happy.
When I cry for any of those reasons (except hunger... I just get food when I'm hungry), I generally seek comfort. From my husband, when he's available, but a lot of the time, I feel kind of alone and that no one can help or understand me except God. One thing I know for a surety, is that when I seek comfort from God, He never, ever leaves me on my own. Every single time I ask for His comfort, He gives it. It doesn't always stop me from crying--sometimes the pain is still there--but it certainly does comfort me.
When I was about four or five, I had a really bad dream, one night. And I wet the bed. I started crying. I remember exactly what was going through my mind. I was crying because I wanted my mom to come upstairs and help me. I cried louder, because I really wanted her to come. And she did.
She came upstairs in the middle of the night, gave me clean blankets and clothes, and put me back to bed. Could I have done that by myself at that age? Probably (whether or not I would have, or would have done it properly, is another question).
I don't know what would have changed had she not come--or if anything would have changed at all. But I do remember that once I heard her footsteps on the stairs, an immeasurable rush of relief flowed through me. I knew it was going to be okay.
So here's something to think about: If you say you let your baby cry it out because she needs to learn to go to sleep on her own, is it because you genuinely care about her ability to sleep on her own... or because you really want your sleep to go un-interrupted at night? Are you justifying it by saying it's for her own good, when really it's for yours?
Many parents feel the need to make their tiny, new human beings adjust to adult schedules--when they're still just babies.
Oh, and if you're of the opinion that comforting your child every time he cries is going to spoil him... think about the logic of that for a minute. Just think about it. Showing your baby that you love him by holding him... is going to turn him into an entitled, selfish boy when he's older...
False.
Parenthood requires sacrifice, good parents learn to be stronger and more selfless than they've ever had to be before. Children are sometimes needy, clingy, whiny, and they can be more irritating than anything else you've experienced. But someday, if you do it right (and there definitely is a wrong way to raise children), you'll realize it was all worth it. Hopefully, you won't have to wait until they're grown up to realize it--hopefully, you notice it's worth it when your child gives her favorite stuffed animal to another child who's feeling sad, or maybe when he offers to help take care of his younger brother when you have a lot on your plate.
I'm not saying children will only learn to be selfless if you comfort them when they cry--but I am saying they learn from their parents and other such examples. The more selfless you are, the better an example your kids have to learn from.
Now, what I'm saying is not just my opinion--it's actually based on research. I did a search on the web about this subject and found a disturbing number of sources advocating the cry-it-out method. None of those sources were backed by research--they were all based on popular opinion.
There's a reason the sound of a baby crying stimulates strong feelings of discomfort in adults--we're supposed to do something about it (and telling yourself to ignore it, is not doing something about it).
Here's what some findings, published by researchers in peer-reviewed journals, say, if you're interested in checking it out:
http://www.sciencedirect.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/science/article/pii/S0891524507002544
http://web.ebscohost.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=c2f2d579-e9da-495b-9f83-83786fbe93b0%40sessionmgr115&vid=3&hid=112
http://www.sciencedirect.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/science/article/pii/S0163638398900170
I definitely have more, and hopefully these links work, but I accessed them through a university, so let me know if they don't.
Anyway, even without the research, we have the capacity to distinguish between what's right and what's not right--if you have to justify to your self or others why you leave your baby on her own to cry when she clearly wants you to comfort her, or if you need other people to tell you that it's okay and that it's healthy (which, by the way, it most certainly is not), then maybe you should think a little harder about it. Or turn to a more reliable source of information. Many mothers out there feel they are a reliable source of information because they have experience... sadly, experience is not the best teacher. Too many experienced parents make the same mistakes for 40 years.
God blessed me with a mother who comforted me when I cried--even when the reason I was crying was stupid--to me it mattered. And I remember her comforting me. I felt loved and valued.
The only way I can possibly show my gratitude, is to pay it forward. To be for my children, what my mother was for me: always there, even though it's extremely inconvenient sometimes--a mother who comforts.
I recently read this article:
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/what-manner-of-men-and-women-ought-ye-to-be
And loved it so much, I had to share. I'm starting my "To Be" list right now--the name of this post is not the first one on my list, but perhaps the most relevant at the moment, since I've recently seen a LOT of people asking advice on the subject (not me in particular, just whoever has advice to give, and, unfortunately, most of your friends on facebook are not experts, even though they feel like they are). First, I'd say listen to real professionals. And then, here's my input:
I know there's a huge debate on what parents should do when their babies cry--let them cry it out because they need to learn to comfort themselves and function on their own, or comfort them every time, or comfort them almost every time, and let them cry sometimes.
I considered how I cry sometimes... and why I cry. There are many different reason why I cry, it doesn't even always mean something's wrong (like when I read a sad book). But I'm much more complex than a baby. Why do babies cry? Fear, hunger, pain or discomfort... they obviously don't cry when they feel safe or happy.
When I cry for any of those reasons (except hunger... I just get food when I'm hungry), I generally seek comfort. From my husband, when he's available, but a lot of the time, I feel kind of alone and that no one can help or understand me except God. One thing I know for a surety, is that when I seek comfort from God, He never, ever leaves me on my own. Every single time I ask for His comfort, He gives it. It doesn't always stop me from crying--sometimes the pain is still there--but it certainly does comfort me.
When I was about four or five, I had a really bad dream, one night. And I wet the bed. I started crying. I remember exactly what was going through my mind. I was crying because I wanted my mom to come upstairs and help me. I cried louder, because I really wanted her to come. And she did.
She came upstairs in the middle of the night, gave me clean blankets and clothes, and put me back to bed. Could I have done that by myself at that age? Probably (whether or not I would have, or would have done it properly, is another question).
I don't know what would have changed had she not come--or if anything would have changed at all. But I do remember that once I heard her footsteps on the stairs, an immeasurable rush of relief flowed through me. I knew it was going to be okay.
So here's something to think about: If you say you let your baby cry it out because she needs to learn to go to sleep on her own, is it because you genuinely care about her ability to sleep on her own... or because you really want your sleep to go un-interrupted at night? Are you justifying it by saying it's for her own good, when really it's for yours?
Many parents feel the need to make their tiny, new human beings adjust to adult schedules--when they're still just babies.
Oh, and if you're of the opinion that comforting your child every time he cries is going to spoil him... think about the logic of that for a minute. Just think about it. Showing your baby that you love him by holding him... is going to turn him into an entitled, selfish boy when he's older...
False.
Parenthood requires sacrifice, good parents learn to be stronger and more selfless than they've ever had to be before. Children are sometimes needy, clingy, whiny, and they can be more irritating than anything else you've experienced. But someday, if you do it right (and there definitely is a wrong way to raise children), you'll realize it was all worth it. Hopefully, you won't have to wait until they're grown up to realize it--hopefully, you notice it's worth it when your child gives her favorite stuffed animal to another child who's feeling sad, or maybe when he offers to help take care of his younger brother when you have a lot on your plate.
I'm not saying children will only learn to be selfless if you comfort them when they cry--but I am saying they learn from their parents and other such examples. The more selfless you are, the better an example your kids have to learn from.
Now, what I'm saying is not just my opinion--it's actually based on research. I did a search on the web about this subject and found a disturbing number of sources advocating the cry-it-out method. None of those sources were backed by research--they were all based on popular opinion.
There's a reason the sound of a baby crying stimulates strong feelings of discomfort in adults--we're supposed to do something about it (and telling yourself to ignore it, is not doing something about it).
Here's what some findings, published by researchers in peer-reviewed journals, say, if you're interested in checking it out:
http://www.sciencedirect.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/science/article/pii/S0891524507002544
http://web.ebscohost.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=c2f2d579-e9da-495b-9f83-83786fbe93b0%40sessionmgr115&vid=3&hid=112
http://www.sciencedirect.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/science/article/pii/S0163638398900170
I definitely have more, and hopefully these links work, but I accessed them through a university, so let me know if they don't.
Anyway, even without the research, we have the capacity to distinguish between what's right and what's not right--if you have to justify to your self or others why you leave your baby on her own to cry when she clearly wants you to comfort her, or if you need other people to tell you that it's okay and that it's healthy (which, by the way, it most certainly is not), then maybe you should think a little harder about it. Or turn to a more reliable source of information. Many mothers out there feel they are a reliable source of information because they have experience... sadly, experience is not the best teacher. Too many experienced parents make the same mistakes for 40 years.
God blessed me with a mother who comforted me when I cried--even when the reason I was crying was stupid--to me it mattered. And I remember her comforting me. I felt loved and valued.
The only way I can possibly show my gratitude, is to pay it forward. To be for my children, what my mother was for me: always there, even though it's extremely inconvenient sometimes--a mother who comforts.
Monday, November 11, 2013
The dancing, horn-blowing bear... who can sit in a chair!
Don't know why that last post isn't working... weird. But you can find everything I talked (or ranted) about on this website:
http://unitedfamilies.org
I'm writing an article for them on Religious Intolerance--I'll post it after I get their feedback.
Also, I thought this was funny:
http://www.bridgetteraes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/AM-I-WEARING-PANTS.jpg
-I mean, wearing them at home or for working out is totally fine, but in public...eek!
And this bear puts a huge smile of my face:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dRQV0WDYFgk
Hope these website are working, because the first and third one are AWESOME. The second one is just funny. ;-)
Anyway, life is pretty good (except that it's so cold). I've been catering for the Child and Family Advocacy society--they love it so far (probably because I use Mom's cookbook).
I got into all the classes I need for next semester, one of which gives me an in for a potential job, working with kids at an after-school program. And I'm going to graduate, finally!
Anton is hangin' in there, as always. He has a teacher who doesn't really know how to teach...who is also kind of a weird-o. But he (Anton) likes telling people what to do at work, so that helps (he's nice, and his students love him, it's just a self-esteem booster to be the boss sometimes).
I went to a chiropractor a couple months ago because he was offering a full work-up (X-rays and everything) for only $15. Something that is normally very pricey for me. Well, my back was fine, but my torso is uneven (probably from an 8-year old shoulder/neck injury), and my neck is straight instead of curved. He said that my neck being straight puts more pressure on the plates in between my bones and could cause arthritis when I'm older. Hope I can get that fixed before I'm staring 60 in the face.
Also, I'm trying to follow more cooking blogs... so any suggestions are welcome. :-)
http://unitedfamilies.org
I'm writing an article for them on Religious Intolerance--I'll post it after I get their feedback.
Also, I thought this was funny:
http://www.bridgetteraes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/AM-I-WEARING-PANTS.jpg
-I mean, wearing them at home or for working out is totally fine, but in public...eek!
And this bear puts a huge smile of my face:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dRQV0WDYFgk
Hope these website are working, because the first and third one are AWESOME. The second one is just funny. ;-)
Anyway, life is pretty good (except that it's so cold). I've been catering for the Child and Family Advocacy society--they love it so far (probably because I use Mom's cookbook).
I got into all the classes I need for next semester, one of which gives me an in for a potential job, working with kids at an after-school program. And I'm going to graduate, finally!
Anton is hangin' in there, as always. He has a teacher who doesn't really know how to teach...who is also kind of a weird-o. But he (Anton) likes telling people what to do at work, so that helps (he's nice, and his students love him, it's just a self-esteem booster to be the boss sometimes).
I went to a chiropractor a couple months ago because he was offering a full work-up (X-rays and everything) for only $15. Something that is normally very pricey for me. Well, my back was fine, but my torso is uneven (probably from an 8-year old shoulder/neck injury), and my neck is straight instead of curved. He said that my neck being straight puts more pressure on the plates in between my bones and could cause arthritis when I'm older. Hope I can get that fixed before I'm staring 60 in the face.
Also, I'm trying to follow more cooking blogs... so any suggestions are welcome. :-)
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